The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

Labels: Jokes

A solution to all of your drinking troubles

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.

Labels: Jokes

THE WOMAN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".

Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."

Labels: Jokes

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

Labels: Jokes

The average life span of an umbrella is under two years.

There is a city called Rome in every continent.

A donkey will sink in quick sand, while a mule will not.

4,000 people are injured by tea pots every year.

The McDonald’s™ at Toronto’s ‘SkyDome’ is the only McDonald’s™ locationthat sells hot dogs.

One million $1 bills weighs 1 ton

In an average day, a four year old child will ask 437 questions.

The average speed of Heinz™ ketchup leaving the bottle is 25 miles per year.

Little more than half of the people living in the U.S. would rather fold, than wad their toilet paper.

The only words in the English language to contain two "U’s" back to back are: vacuum, residuum, and continuum.

998 million people play Volleyball

You consume one tenth (.1) calories when you lick a stamp.

60 % of statistics are made up...

Dragon boat racing is the 8th most popular sport in the world!(What the funk is Dragon boat racing)

The first non-human to win an Oscar was Mickey Mouse.

Pi has been calculated to over 2,260,321,363 digits.

An ostrich egg would take four hours to hard boil.


The left leg of a chicken is more tender than the right one.

Chickens can't swallow while they are upside down.

There are more chickens in the world than people.

A novel with 50,000 words, non of which contained the letter ‘E’ waswritten by Ernest Wright.

There are only 18 countries richer than Bill Gates

There have been fewer people below 2km in sea than have been on de moon

Every year more people are killed by donkeys, than in aircraft crashes.

The only word in the English language to contain three back to back double letter combinations is; Bookkeeper.

The number of births in India each year is greater than the entire population of Australia.

The smallest 'country' in the world to have its own top-level domain name is Norfolk Island, off the coast of Australia.


The surface speed record on the moon is 10.56 miles per hour.It was set in a lunar rover.

Gibraltar is the only place in Europe were you can find wild monkeys.

Every year, the moon moves 1/2 an inch further from the earth.

In 1977, George Willig was fined $1.10 for climbing the World Trade Center building.

If you yelled for 8 years ,7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough energy to heat a cup of coffee.

Banging your head off a wall uses 150 calories an hour!(ouch)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps blood out to the body it could squirt blood 30 feet!

In downtown Lima, Peru, there is a large brass statue dedicated to Winnie-the-Pooh.

In space you cannot cry because there is no gravity to make the tears flow

In the Scottish Hebrides, an island is defined as being an islandonly if it is big enough to sustain 1 sheep

There are more plastic lawn flamingos in the US than real ones.


A typist fingers travel over 12 and a half miles in an average day.

2,500 left handers die each year using products designed for right handers.

The Roman Catholic Church did not acknowledge that the earth revolves around the sun until the mid 1990’s.

The world’s most common non-contagious disease is tooth-decay

In 50 million years, it is likely that Mars will have a ring around it.

The short phrases of organ music played at a baseball game is called a tucket.

Dungarees is another word for Denim

A deltiologist is someone who collects postcards

People descended from the Scottish clan of Kerr are more likely to be left handed than any other ancestrial group.

The sortest war ever recorded lasted only 38 minutes. (Britain vs. Zanzibar in 1896)

Despite a population of over a billion, China has only about 200 family names

If you told someone that they were one in a million, you'd be saying there were 1,800 of them in China

In 1892, Italy raised the minimum age for marriage for girls to 12

New York City has 570 miles of shoreline

Olympus Mons is the largest volcano in our solar system

A red-haired man is more likely to go bald than anyone else.

"Q" is the only letter in the alphabet that does not appear in the name of any of the United States.


The Boston University Bridge is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are useable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies

Two objects have struck the earth with enough force to destroy a whole city. Each object, one in 1908 and again in 1947, struck regions of Siberia. Not one human being was hurt either time.

Up to three thousand species of trees have been cataloged in square mile of the Amazon jungle.

We are in the middle of an ice age. Ice ages include both cold and warm periods; at the moment we are experiencing a relatively warm span of time known as an interglacial period. Geologists believe that the warmest part of this period occurred from 1890 through 1945 and that since 1945 things have slowly begun freezing up again.

A jogger's heel strikes the ground 1,500 times per mile.

A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years.

Labels: Jokes

IBANG POSISYON:
Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?
Wife: Thats a good idea dear!... doon ka sa may plantsahan at ako naman ang uupo sa sofa at manoood ng tv.

PINOY INGENUITY?
A Filipino doctor has introduced the use of a device that enlarges a man's sex organ by up to 5 times with no side effects. It is called a magnifiying glass.

VIBRATING CELLPHONE:
Mrs: Bilis! Nahulog cellphone ko sa loob ng panty ko, "nagbavibrate."
Mr: E, anong gagawin ko? Dudukutin ko ba sa loob ng panty mo?
Mrs: Gago! Kunin mo yung charger, baka ma-low batt!

REGALO:
Mare: Di yata nagustuhan ni Pare ang birthday gift mo, ah...
Mrs: Oo nga, 7 months na, di pa rin ginagamit.
Mare: Bakit, ano ba regalo mo sa kanya?
Mrs: Memorial Plan.

KRIMINAL:
KRIMINAL 1: "Pare, sigurado ka bang dito dadaan yung papatayin natin?"
KRIMINAL 2: "Oo, nagtataka nga ako, 1 oras na tayo dito, wala parin siya! Sana naman walang nangyarin! g masama sa kanya...


TUTPIK:
Kustomer: Ano ba naman itong tutpik nyo, iisa na nga lang, ang dali pang mabali!
Waiter (inis): Alam nyo, sir, ang dami nang gumamit nyan, pero kayo lang nakabali!

CONFIDENT VS CONFIDENTIAL:
Anak: Itay, ano ang kaibahan ng confident sa confidential?
Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bespren mong si Tikboy, anak ko rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan.

FIRST LOVE NEVER DIES:
Anak: Inay, totoo ba na "First love never dies"?
Nanay: Aba, oo. Tignan mo yang tatay mo, hangga ngayon, buhay pa ang animal!

SUKO SA MISTER:
Mrs 1: Suko na ak o sa mister ko, lagi na lang ako binubugbog bago
niroromansa...
Mrs 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang
niroromansa.

PARI AT MADRE:
Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kukunin ko lang toothbrush ko..
Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.
Pari: Ok, antay ako.
Sister: Pasok na, wala na akong panty!

ESTUDYANTE:
Bugaw: Sir, Chicks P1,500, estudiante!
Man: Ganun ba? Hanapan mo ako ng mga P1,000 lang pero mas magaling pa sa estudiante.
Bugaw: Meron din, sir. Ang PRINCIPAL, okey yun!

AFTER THE WEDDING:
Husband: Sinungaling ka, sabi mo virgin ka! Bakit kagabi maluwag na!
Wife: Ulol ka! Dahil lasing ka, katabi mo kagabi si mama!

PAMBOBOSO:
Anak: Inay, sinisilip ng kaklase ko 'yung panty ko!
Inay: Bastos 'yun ah! Ano'ng ginawa mo?
Anak: Hinubad ko at itinago ko 'yung panty, para 'di nya makita!

PROMOTION:
Judge: Ikaw na naman! Sampung taon ka nang humaharap sa korte ko ah!
Swindler: Your Honor, di ko kasalanan kung hindi po kayo ma-promote.

AMPON:
Anak: 'Nay, tinutukso po ako ng kalaro ko na anak ako sa labas!
Nanay: Hindi totoo 'yan, anak. Ang sabihin mo sa kanila, ampon ka!

ANG SULAT:
Patient: Dok, malungkot dito sa mental kaya naisipan kong sulatan ang
sarili ko...
Doc: E ano naman ang laman ng sulat mo?
Patient: Di ko pa po alam kasi next wik ko pa ata matatangap...

LIIT NAMAN:
Wife: Honey... bili mo naman ako ng bra...
Husband: Hon.. wag ka nang magbra...liit naman dede mo e..
Wife: E ba't ikaw, naka-brief!?

DOWNY:
GIRL: Ang puti naman ng bird mo...
BOY: Aba, syempre ah! Likas papaya ata gamit ko diyan!
GIRL: Ginagamitan m o rin ba ng Downy?
BOY: Baket? Bango ba?
GIRL: Lambot eh!!!

HIDE AND SEEK:
GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. If you find me, papayag akong makipag-sex sa 'yo...
BOY: Eh, kung di kita makita?
GIRL: Nasa likod lang ako ng piano...

MADRE:
dalawang madre nirereyp ng goons....
Madre 1: Jusko, patawarin mo po sila...hindi nila nalalaman ang kanilang ginagawa!
Madre2: Ay, yung sa akin marunong!!!!

RAPE SUSPEK:
ATTY: Inday, pwede mo bang idiskrayb dito sa korte ang taong nangreype sa 'yo?
INDAY: Maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong, at bungal...
SUSPEK: Sige!...mang-asar ka pa!!!!





tawa lng muna ng konti ! ! !

Ifugao: Apply po ako ng sundalo, sir.

Officer: Hindi ka pwede, ang dami mong sirang ngipin, bungi ka pa!

Ifugao: Bakit sir, sa gyera ba ngayon, kagatan na ang labanan?
************************************************************************

A lizard fell on a table.

Genius: Oh! reptila scincidae;

Kikay: Eew, lizard!;

Astig: Shit, butiki!;

Mataray: Shucks, butiks!;

Mayaman: Yuck! Lacoste!;

Mahirap: Pare, ulam!

************************************************************************
Pedro: Saan ka galing, p're?

Berto: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.

Pedro: Bakit puro kalmot ang mukha at braso mo?

Berto: Mahirap ilibing eh, lumalaban!

************************************************************************
Bakit "S" ang nasa costume ni Superman? Wala na kasing medium! Napansin mo,
fit masyado, di ba?
************************************************************************
Mother superior: Hala, layas dito sa kumbento!

Madre: Bakit po? Dahil po ba sa paggamit ko ng vibrator?

Mother superior: Hindi, ayoko lang may nakikiaalam sa gamit ko!

************************************************************************
Nanay: Hala, sige, layas! Huwag ka nang bumalik dito sa bahay! Simula

ngayon, huwag mo na akong tawaging nanay at hindi na rin kita tatawaging

anak, naintindihan mo?

Anak: Sige dude, alis na ako.

************************************************************************
Boy: Kukunin ko ang mga bituin at ibibigay ko sa iyo!

Girl: Shut up! Hindi mo nga makuha yang kulangot mo, bituin pa!

Boy: Ay sorry, hindi ko alam na ito pala ang gusto mo!

************************************************************************
Ice cream ba talaga yung inendorse in Pacquiao sa TV ad nya na Nestle Ice

Cream? Akala ko kasi, softdrinks. Kasi, sabi nya, "Oh mga bata, Mirinda na!"

************************************************************************
A priest at a church.

Lady: Father, ang gwapo at cute mo naman! Bakit ka pa kasi nagpari?

Priest: Dahil ayaw pumayag ng magulang ko na magmadre ako! Bruha!

************************************************************************
Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang takip

ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!

Juan: Maniwala ako?!

Pedro: Totoo!

Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?

Pedro: Asin!

************************************************************************
Nurse: Miss, gising na!

Patient: Ah, bakit?

Nurse: Oras na ng pag-inom ng gamot.

Patient: Anong gamot?

Nurse: Sleeping pills.

************************************************************************
Boy Guwapo + Girl Ganda = Perfect Couple.

Boy Guwapo + Girl Panget = True Love.

Boy Panget + Girl Ganda = Galing Diskarte.

Boy Panget + Girl Panget = SUKOB!

************************************************************************
Ama: Bakit ka umiiyak?

Anak: Pumasa po kasi ako sa test. Huhuhu!

Ama: Aba , magaling! Anong subject yun, anak?

Anak: Pregnancy test po itay!

*************************************************************************
Erap at Starbucks.

Erap: Waiter, isang kape nga!

Waiter: Sir, decaf ho ba?

Erap: Syempre! Bobo! Lahat ng kape, de cup!

Bakit, may nakaplato ba?!

************************************************************************
Sa prusisyon.

Pari: Ang mga boys, sunod sa karo ni San Jose , mga girls, sa karo ni

Mama

Mary. Bakla: Kami father, saan kami susunod?

Pari: Mga bruha! Follow me!

************************************************************************
Pedro: Ang tapang talaga ni Paeng! Biro mo, tumalon sa eroplano nang walang parachute!

Leo: Ohh, totoo? Saan mo naman nabalitaan yan?

Pedro: Dun sa burol nya!

************************************************************************
Anak: Inay, ang galing ng titser ko.

Inay: Bakit naman?

Anak: Tinuruan kami ng kagandahang asal.

Nanay: Eh di marunong ka nang gumalang at magpo at opo?

Anak: Natural! Tanga ka ba?

************************************************************************

Use "Bampira" in a sentence! Ahmm, Dodong. Pautang naman, meron ka bampira?!

************************************************************************

TUKMOL: Sino sa inyo ang matapang? Lumabas!

SIGA: Ako, matapang ako, bakit may problema ka?

TUKMOL: Wala po, survey lang ho. Ngayon, yung duwag naman ang lumabas!

************************************************************************

Anak: Ma, hingi sana ako ng P50.

Nanay: P40? Ang laki naman ng P30! Anong gagawin mo sa P20? Akala mo

madaling kumita ng P10? O, eto P5.
************************************************************************
Boy1: Bakit mo ako sinuntok?

Boy2: Tinawag mo akong hipopotamus!

Boy1: Last year pa yon! Tarantado!

Boy2: Eh kanina ko lang nakita picture ng hippopotamus, bobo!

************************************************************************
May kwento ako tungkol sa lovelife ng ampalaya. Huwag na lang! Masyadong mapait!
************************************************************************
Grabe! Biruin mo, 150,000 pesos daw, hot oil lang! 150,000 pesos ang

rebonding! Sobra naman yang David's Salon na yan! - Rapunzel.

************************************************************************

Hindi makapagtimpla ng juice si Inday. Tahimik lang syang nakatitig sa bote

ng juice. Dahil nakasulat: Concentrate.

************************************************************************
Intsik: Bili kayo panty. Kapag sinuot ito, hindi kayo mabubuntis.

Babae: Bigyan mo ako ng tatlo. 3 months later, galit si babae: Bakit ako nabuntis?

Intsik: Baka hinubad mo!
************************************************************************
GF: Hayop ka, niloloko mo ako!

BF: Bakit, wala naman akong ginagawa ah!

GF: Anong wala? Nakita kita kanina, may kasama kang ibang babae,

magkahawak pa kamay nyo! Niloloko mo ako!

BF: Makinig ka muna... hindi kita niloloko, maniwala ka... Yung kasama ko
kanina ang niloloko ko!

Labels: Jokes